Not-So-Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween. It usually is happy, but not tonight. 

It’s Halloween, and for the first time....ever....our lights are turned off and I am sequestered upstairs, in our bedroom. Anthony is braving it out downstairs in the family room, every light turned off, watching the news. I can’t bear to hear all the kids running around outside and having a great time, when we are not opening our door to give out candy. The dog isn’t even wearing her cute little Halloween costume she wears each year. What happened?

Anthony and I usually get excited about Halloween. Every year, he makes a big pot of chili and carves the pumpkins. I make a huge batch of my famous brownies. We come up with a password and give it to all our students. If they come to our house on Halloween and tell us the secret password, they get a brownie. We’ve had parents come in for a quick bite and visit while their kids take a bathroom break, get a drink, and wolf down a brownie. We’ve been known to dress up in costumes, too. The most memorable was Anthony’s fairy costume. I don’t know how many people stopped to take a picture of him. Some years have been utter pandemonium. 

Thinking of all those great times makes me even more sad. I feel this huge void...a great disconnect with life right now. So, what did happen? Why are we hiding ourselves in a dark house when the rest of the neighborhood is opening their doors to crowds of laughing children dressed up as princesses, ghosts, pirates, mermaids....you name it....with all of them yelling, “Trick or treat!” at the top of their lungs? What’s wrong with us?

Well, for one, the day started out pretty crummy. I intended to get up early this morning and go shopping. Candy was at the top of the list. But, when the alarm went off, I couldn’t get up. I think the stress of life these days has finally grabbed hold of me and is giving me a good shaking. All I know is that my neck muscles are so tight, my shoulders so sore, that if I move my head the wrong way, my arms get all tingly and numb. Not only that, I’m so tired and achy all over that I don’t even want to move. And I haven’t...moved, that is...pretty much all day.

So, I’ve been down for the count from the onset. Then, this afternoon, Anthony had a doctor appointment. And, for the first time since all this cancer crap started, he had to go by himself. I know he was nervous and also worried about me when he said he was going to call and reschedule. I told him he couldn’t. He was scheduled to have the mapping done for his radiation treatments. Cancelling or rescheduling could result in his treatments being delayed. So he went. Alone. By the time he got home, it was already late afternoon. He was exhausted. I wasn’t feeling any better. No one bought candy. No one carved pumpkins. No chili, no brownies, no costumes. No one is opening the door for trick-or-treaters as I sit, hiding, and writing in the dark.

I’m trying to imagine this happening without cancer in the picture. Like, what if Anthony and I both had the flu? Would I feel this sad about missing all the Halloween festivities? Does the cancer that hangs over us like a dark cloud just intensify the disappointment? Or am I feeling so bad because this is just one more thing that is different... changed...missing? Cancer has already taken so much away from us. I hate it! I don’t want our life together to change. I don’t want Anthony to be taken away from me anymore. I’m not willing to give up any more pieces of him...no matter how small.

Great. Now I have myself sobbing, crying so hard I can barely see what I’m typing. I’m shaking with sadness and anger and grief. None of this is fair. None of it makes any sense. And, no, I’m not crying over a missed Halloween. That’s just the proverbial straw that broke this camel’s back. That just gives me a reason, a tangible excuse to break down and cry hard enough to feel it breaking my heart.

Tonight, I can’t find my compass. Tonight I feel lost in the whirlwind of emotions that come crashing down on me when I think too long and hard about Anthony having pancreatic cancer. Tonight, I am not strong or brave or...or anything I want to be. Unlike the scores of little kids running around the neighborhood, all dressed up and pretending to be someone else, tonight I can’t put on the make-up and smile. Oh, trust me, I’d give anything to be ten years old again, believing I really am a princess, even if only for one night. The truth is, tonight, I can’t pretend everything is OK...not even for a minute.