You Feel Great?...Seriously?

There are lots of things I love about Anthony...like everything. Then, there are the things I really love about him. Don’t worry... I’m not going to share all of them with you. You’ll be reading for hours. But, there are a couple of things about Anthony...the way he is, how he thinks...that make coping with his diagnosis a little bit easier for him. Now that I’ve put things in their proper perspective, I understand why.

One thing I really love about Anthony is his big heart and good natured spirit. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying he never gets upset or grumpy. If you spend enough time around Anthony, I’m sure you’ll eventually see him have one of his hissy fits. Oh, boy, he can go from zero to ten quicker than I can blink an eye. But, the thing is, he can have a blow-up, get his feelings out, and then he’s fine. Really fine...like five minutes later fine...and right back at zero. What’s even more amazing is that he seriously forgets about whatever it was that upset him. 

Another thing I really love about him is how he deals with adversity. Again, I’m not saying he never, ever feels down or gets worried, but he always manages to find at least one positive in a sea of negatives. Sure, there are times when he’s needed an encouraging word from me to point him back in the right direction, but Anthony usually finds the silver lining all on his own...and then he rejoices in it with such conviction and certainty that I eventually end up believing things will be OK, too. Even now. 

These are great qualities Anthony has, but isn’t it funny how sometimes a person’s good qualities can become irritating? For example, we’ve all encountered that overly helpful person who just doesn’t know when enough is enough. Or, how about that exceptionally nice person who is always smiling, cheerful and positive? You know the type. That overly sugary sweet disposition gives you the same kind of queasy stomach ache you get from eating a huge hot fudge sundae with way too much hot fudge. Well, Anthony’s good qualities are not over the top like that. They are perfectly within the realm of healthy, good behavior; but, I have to admit it...lately (like since he’s been sick), on occasion, I have found myself becoming a little irritated.

Now wait a minute...Give me a chance to explain before you take what I’m saying the wrong way. First of all, my irritation is not really caused by anything he is doing...Far from it. At least I’m able to figure out that my irritation must be about me...maybe about my fear and frustration. The truth is, Anthony’s attitude and approach to his illness is pretty amazing. And incredibly courageous. 

So, what’s my problem? Well, if anyone knows the truth about how Anthony is really feeling, I do. I’m with him 24/7. I don’t think I’ve been away from him more than a few hours since all this began...and that was months ago. So, when he talks to someone and says, “I feel really good. I don’t even feel sick. My appetite is good. No, I really don’t have a lot of pain,” I want to hit him. Sometimes, I just look at him and wonder if he’s lost his mind. I also wonder why I’m putting forth so much energy, getting upset, and worrying about him if he feels so great! Does that mean I can go back to work and focus my energies on teaching kids music, as long as he is feeling so fantastic?

Why does Anthony say he feels so wonderful when I know darn well that's not true? After giving this some serious thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that Anthony is not making this stuff up...When he tells people he feels great, he means it. He’s being true to himself, to who he is. It’s just like when he gets really upset about something and blows up for a minute. He gets it out of his system, lets it go, and totally forgets about it. I think when he’s telling people how great he feels, it’s because, at that moment in time, he’s probably feeling pretty good. He doesn’t remember that he had a bad stomach ache for a few hours the night before or that he spent half the day icing his back. All he’s thinking about when he’s talking on the phone or visiting with someone is the good stuff. He’s thinking about the conversation he’s having and the time he’s spending with that friend or family member right then and there. He lives in the moment and lets what is done be done. He looks for the positive, and he finds it in whatever he is doing. 

Anthony teaches me by example. I’ve already learned a lifetime of lessons from him, yet I continue to learn something new every day just by being with him and seeing the way he lives and loves. I am so proud to be married to such a strong and courageous man. When I call him my husband, I feel as though I automatically stand a little taller and speak more assertively. I realize my frustration with him telling people how great he feels is my problem. He does have good moments, and when he’s having those good moments, he forgets about the pain and discomfort and fatigue he experienced...even if it was only ten minutes ago, because when it’s over, it's over, and it's time to move on.

So, from now on, when I hear Anthony telling someone how great he feels, I’m going to believe him and smile. Instead of getting frustrated and wanting to smack him, I’ll remember who he is and go hug him as tightly as I can.