My Cave

I have not blogged for a while. But you already know that. I didn’t mean to just disappear. I guess everything finally caught up with me because I feel as though I fell asleep one night and woke up in “my cave” the next morning. Since we’re being so forthright here, I can tell you that my cave has been around for a long  time...at least as long as I can remember. Sometimes, I find myself in it, and it takes me a while to find my way out. Sometimes, it takes me a little longer than I’d like. Over the years, I’ve learned that I can even get a little too comfortable there...in the silence and solitude of my cave. I know. It sounds a little creepy.

Well, I’ll tell you what's a little creepy for me...this blogging thing...where I pour out my guts, and all my feelings somehow make their way into words that suddenly appear on my screen. And then, I send them all off to the great internet cloud in the sky! I realize I’m taking a big chance, risking a lot, by being so open. It’s not really my style. (I’m not sure I even have a style.) As a matter of fact, Anthony, who understands me better than anyone on the planet (maybe even better than I understand myself!), was surprised when I told him I was going to start a blog about my journey with him through this cancer thing. I admitted that I was surprised, too...actually, more like shocked and terrified at the same time. Yet, I felt compelled to do it. I didn’t know why back then, and I’m not sure I know a whole lot more today. But, that’s OK, because I have found that the whys of what God asks of us are usually incomprehensible at the moment. But, He inevitably helps us figure it all out later. So, I’m staring my fear in the face and I'm doing it...I’m blogging...and I’m bearing (and baring) it all, and I’m hoping, from my limited scope of vision, that someone will be touched by the words I write. Of course, only God knows how far these words will go, who will ultimately read them, and who may actually need to hear them. That’s all up to Him.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to sound nobly altruistic because, honestly, I’m not that good. I am more than willing to consider that my call to blog is as much for my benefit as anyone’s. I need all the help I can get right now. My emotions are all over the place. You know what that’s like. Sometimes, we feel so many different things, we wonder if we’re normal or if anyone else has ever felt the same way. Then, we start judging ourselves or finding shame in what we feel. The shoulds and should nots start worming their ways into our thinking and, before we know it, we're wading in the muck and mire of mental flagellation. We get ourselves into a whole lot of trouble second guessing our thoughts and emotions...and we can also end up feeling very alone. Even with my entire committee of very colorful characters in my head, all fighting over my (our?) feelings, I feel very alone at times. Like when I spend too much time in my cave. Well, I’ve decided that this is not a good time for me to feel isolated and alone. It’s not a good time for any of us to feel that way because we need each other. I need you. Anthony needs us. 

Call it an artist’s temperament, a musician’s soul, or the deep and brooding side of my spirit...it’s all the same to me...it’s my cave, and I can’t promise that I won’t end up there again. I know better than to make promises like that. Sometimes, it’s just where I am, where I have to be...in order to still be me. But, I will promise you this...I will let you know that all is as well as can be the next time I find myself there, because I don’t want you to think I’ve disappeared or that I don’t care or that I don’t need you. Because I do care very much. And, because, the next time I go to my cave, I’ll eventually have to come out again...and I’ll need you to be there. Yes, when I poke my head out and can finally open my eyes to the light, I hope the first thing I see is you.