I Screamed

Tuesday night I had a very productive rehearsal with my group.  We’re getting ready to sing in a Christmas concert. Everyone sounded very nice. Except for me, that is. I couldn’t sing a lick. It was no great mystery why I was only able to hit half the notes. I couldn’t sing because I was hoarse. And I was hoarse because I had abused my voice...screaming. 

You’d think I’d know better. Before I taught music full time, my singing voice paid the bills. I took care of it the way a pitcher takes care of a pitching arm. Screaming is a big, gigantic no-no for a singer. But, I couldn’t help myself. Sunday night, I got in my car and drove on a dark, empty street with my windows rolled up, and I screamed. I screamed...and cried...at the top of my lungs. Like a hungry, helpless, angry, cold, scared infant cries and screams. Once it gets to that point, there is little anyone can do...At that point, consolation is found only  through  exhausting oneself.

I didn’t plan on getting in my car and going balistic. All I wanted to do was go up to the store to pick up a few things. I was fine when I left the house. I started feeling kind of bad when I pulled into the parking lot...This is what my life would be like (may soon be like?) without Anthony in it. Normally, he’d be in the car with me, driving me up there. But, now he’s sick, and he can’t do many of the things he used to do. So I have to do them alone.

I made sure I parked under a light. I walked into the store, got what I needed, and started toward my car when it happened. I started crying, right there in the parking lot. I  walked as quickly as I could, unlocked my car, threw the bag inside, but the dam broke before I could get in and shut the door. I had to move my car. I was parked under a light, remember? The last thing I wanted to do was sit in full view, under a bright light, sobbing. So, I started my car and quickly pulled to the darkest part of the parking lot and sat there with my face in my hands.

When I thought I had myself under control, I started the car up again, and drove through the parking lot. How many times have Anthony and I driven through that same parking lot together after going shopping? I have no idea. Far too many times to count, I’m sure, because we always went grocery shopping together. We’d make a date out of it. We'd make a date out of going to the gas station, or the dry cleaners, or the car wash. We've always had fun  just doing the normal, everyday things. Will we ever do the normal stuff again? 

I turned out of the parking lot and started down the hill when it happened. I didn’t even know it was coming. It actually scared me when it came out. I screamed. When that gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, down-to-the-core-of-my-being scream left my body,  it shook me. Then, a wave of tears crashed down and made me feel like I would surely suffocate. I barely had time to catch my breath before another scream came out, even louder and angrier.  Then, I had a completely random thought. Totally random. I realized I’d gotten my money’s worth for all those years of voice lessons and music classes, because that second scream seemed to go on forever...Pretty darn good breath control! That almost made me laugh. Almost. Until I started crying harder. 

After several violent coughs, a couple swipes at my nose, and a sweatshirt sleeve mopped across my eyes, I was hit with round two. Shocking. This set of primal, glottal scraping rumbles were accompanied by a few disjointed words. They would have made little sense, had anyone been able to hear them...“Why?”...“Not now!” ...“No!” ...“Please.” ...“I can’t.” ...“Not him.” ...“Don’t!” ... “I’ll die.” ... “Oh, God...!!!”  They made perfect sense to me. They told the story of my life...That is, my life, today. 

As I got closer to the bottom of the hill, I reminded myself to breathe. Slow, deep breaths. Shhhhh. I used my one dry sleeve to do a quick clean-up of my face. (Thank you, God, for giving me good skin so that I don’t have to wear a lot of make-up. Cleaning up under these circumstances is a lot easier without the extra goop.) I combed my bangs with my fingers, and smiled at myself in the rear-view mirror...practicing. I shook myself at the stop sign, the way a dog shakes water off its coat. Maybe I thought I could shake all my tears away...and all that grief I've been shoving into my emotional closet. I sucked up whatever I could from my swollen nasal passages and swallowed hard. My throat already felt raw and as broken and injured as my heart. It’s no big surprise it’s still sore. I don’t expect my heart to mend any time soon, either.

As I drove the last two short blocks to our house, I spoke gently, trying to assess just how badly I’d damaged my voice. Crap. It never could stand up to repeated abuse. Might I pass off my red, swollen eyes, my sniffles and scratchy throat as allergies? With someone else, possibly. With Anthony, not a chance. I practiced smiling again. Nope, still didn’t feel anywhere close to normal.

As I pulled into the driveway, I prepared myself for walking through the front door. I felt as uneasy as an astronaut preparing for re-entry into the earth’s atmosphere after a little cruise in outer space. I still wasn’t sure what had happened on the way home, but it seemed quite unearthly to me. As if on auto-pilot, I  turned off my car, grabbed my bag, and started walking up the driveway. 

Through the window, I could see Anthony sitting in his chair. He had his favorite throw draped around him as he sat watching T.V. As soon as he caught a glimpse of me approaching the front door, he turned and immediately smiled that amazing smile of his. Without even giving it a second thought, I smiled back. In that moment, I forgot I’d been crying. When I see his smile, I think I might even forget he’s sick...sometimes. His smile does that to me.

I opened the front door and immediately bent down to give him a kiss. I did that without thinking, too. When he looked into my eyes, it only took a split second for him to see the truth. “Oh, Baby, you’ve been crying.” I took his saddened face in my hands and looked straight into his eyes and let him see into my heart. I can’t hide anything from him, so why waste the energy trying? Without a second’s hesitation, I smiled. I didn’t think about it. It just felt like the right thing to do. And he must have felt the same way, because he couldn’t help but smile right back at me. In that one, brief moment, our smiles chased the sadness away...and quieted my screams. Even if only for a little while.