The last couple of days have not been good. Not good at all. I feel as though I should apologize, but then again, I don’t want to. Why should I have to apologize for being angry and upset that my husband is sick? Why should I have to apologize for crying and feeling sad and being frustrated because nothing...NOTHING is the same?
What happened to our ridiculously simple, relatively predictable, uncomplicated, peaceful life? What happened to getting up every morning at the same time and leaving the house together to go to work? What happened to talking to Anthony on the phone everyday at recess and at lunch, then picking him up after work in the afternoon, coming home and spending the rest of the evening together? Maybe it sounds boring to you, but who said boring can’t be happy? I’ll tell you what...If you feel like you do the same boring things day in and day out (especially if you get to do them with your loved ones), get down on your knees right now...right now...and thank God...because you are blessed beyond measure! I’d give anything to have normal back. I’d give anything to have our blissfully predictable, boring routine back.
I am ashamed of myself. Ashamed because, on occasion, I have been ungrateful and unappreciative of the things in my life. I haven’t done it on purpose, I promise. I think I’ve just been inattentive, perhaps? Well, shame on me for being blind to my blessings! Don’t tell me it’s a forgiveable offense...that people make mistakes once in a while... because, if I could, I would take back every single time I ever complained about anything in that old routine of mine. I confess. I’ve learned my lesson and I’m sorry. But, isn’t there some other way I could have been punished? I mean, why should Anthony have to suffer for my mistakes?
Well, there you go...I started out convinced I owed no one an apology, and now I’m blaming myself for everything and apologizing all over the place. OK, look, I know I’m not responsible for Anthony getting cancer...At least I’m pretty sure God doesn’t work that way. I’m also pretty sure my moments of sadness, even anger, over him being sick are fairly normal, so I won’t beat up on myself too much for that. But, I do believe I’ve been given the opportunity to look at myself, my life and the blessings in it, through a different lens...one that can zoom in on all those things I’ve overlooked or have been too nearsighted, at times, to see. And I feel terrible about that. Thank God my eyes have been opened...I suppose better late than never.
I guess sometimes it takes a good swift kick in the behind to get our attention. Well, I got mine (my kick, that is), and I hope I won’t be comfortable sitting down any time soon...Not that I’m a glutton for punishment, but I don’t want to forget the lesson here. Right now, my eyes are open, I’m listening, and I’m paying attention. I pray to God I never lose sight again. I don’t ever want to look at my blessings and not really see them. Or worse...I never want to stare my blessings in the face and turn my nose up like a little kid frowns at the vegetables on her plate.
Right now, with all the unknowns in my life, I find myself longing for those predictable days when Anthony and I would wake up each morning, rush around to get ready for work, and head on out the door together. I miss teaching music to my students... nevermind the crazy schedule with only five minutes between classes. I miss calling Anthony at recess and lunch and I miss seeing him smile when I pull up in front of his school each afternoon to pick him up and go home. I miss the days when the biggest problems around here were things like not having enough milk for my cereal, someone forgetting to run the dishwasher, or Jeopardy being pre-empted by a special news report. I know. Tragically boring.
Look, none of us knows what’s going to happen from one day to the next...not even from one minute to the next. But, if we’re lucky enough to have a routine that gives our lives some structure, some sense of predictability, we should thank God every minute of every day...even if it does get a little boring sometimes. Oh sure, we all long for a little adventure once in a while, some spontaneity to spice things up a bit. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But, right now, Anthony and I have more unpredictability on our plates than we can stomach. I’d love nothing more than a hefty serving of bland and boring predictability right about now. Believe me, I wouldn’t turn my nose up at it. I’d say my Grace, thank God, and then eat every last bite. Oh hell, I might even lick the plate.
No comments:
Post a Comment