Anxiety or No Anxiety

OK. I’m pretty sure I have just recovered from a full blown anxiety attack. Heart pounding. Uncontrollable shaking. Overwhelming panic and feelings of dread. Nausea. Hot flash. Cold flash. Shortness of breath. Fear. I’m fairly certain it wasn’t a major heart attack because I was able to talk myself back to normal. I’m also not dead. I don’t think I need to consult a symptom checker on Web M.D. or call anyone. Yep. I’m pretty sure it was your regular, garden variety type anxiety/panic attack.  Wow. That wasn’t fun.

I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. After all, I do have a few things on my mind. Yesterday was not exactly a good day, and even though I tried to do everything I could to take care of me while taking care of Anthony, some things must have fallen through the cracks. I must be missing something. Let’s see...I ate. I drank lots of water. Took my medicines. Definitely moved around a lot. Oh, wait. I think I know what it is...Sleep. I didn’t get any. 

I went upstairs with Anthony when he said he was going to bed. I brushed and flossed. Washed my face. Slipped under the covers and snuggled up right next to him. I closed my eyes, but nothing happened...by way of sleep, that is. My mind went from zero to... to....serious warp speed in a couple of seconds...and just kept on going. That’s what happened. It did one of those Energizer bunny kind of things.....Just kept ticking. Tick, tick, tick, tick, ticking. All. Night. Long. I wonder why I didn’t lose it sooner. I mean, I made it all the way to 5 am before I had a major system malfunction.

What’s weird is that I feel unusually calm right now. And clear-headed. Something must be wrong somewhere in the wiring of my brain. I don’t think that’s normal. But, what in the hell is normal these days? Normal is redefined every couple of minutes. There is no normal. Beware out there...Normal doesn’t exist. Just when you think things are running smoothly...normally... something happens and you find yourself smack dab in the middle of a Humpty-Dumpty emergency situation. The king’s horses and the king’s men don’t even bother responding to the 911 call because they know it would just be another futile attempt to restore everything to normal. Normal-schmnormal. Try saying that three times real fast.

Well, in a few minutes, we’ll be heading on over to the hospital so Anthony can get himself drained again. Anybody want to place a bet on how many liters of fluid this time? Actually, I’m more concerned about what’s floating around in that belly fluid of his. One liter or five liters...that’s not the point. It’s more like one cancer cell or no cancer cells. Now, that will make a difference. The stakes go up exponentially when you start talking cancer cells.

I feel pathetic right now. Here I am, going on and on about my piddly little anxiety problem while Anthony has pancreatic cancer. Disgusting. Oh, don’t you dare tell me I’m entitled because my problems are nothing compared to his. He has some real suffering going on. If I let myself travel down this road too often, I’m not going to be able to help him on the really difficult journey that lies ahead of him. Right now, the only real problem I have is a  little matter of time...I’m running out of time. In lots of ways. Most immediately, I need to get up off my butt and finish getting ready so I can get him to the hospital...on time. 

Anxiety or no anxiety...

One liter or five liters...

One cancer cell or no cancer cells...