Praying All Night

OK, Lord, here we go again. Another night spent in a hospital room...awake...waiting. Always waiting...What's next?

I have to trust that You know me far better than I know myself...If You ask me, I’ll say I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. But, You know that’s not true, right? If it were true, I wouldn’t be here right now...Anthony wouldn’t be here right now. We’d both be at home in our own bed, snuggled up safe and warm, well and happy, dreaming dreams that make us smile in our sleep. 

Lord, will You please just give me a little hint...just a little idea of what’s to come...so I can prepare myself? It seems like every time things start to even out and settle down a little bit...BAM! I’m tired of these sucker punches right in the gut. How much more can I take before I’m down for the count? Can I please just go to my corner and nurse my wounds for a little while before the next round?

Since we’re having this little chat, let me just say this..You know how hard I’ve tried to listen to You and do the right thing my whole life. Even during the really hard times...and You have to admit, I have gone through some crazy hard times. But, You got me through every single one of them. Even when I felt like I was all alone, I knew, deep down inside, You were there with me...And then, You brought me Anthony.

Here’s what I don’t get...I don’t understand why You would bring Anthony and me together and allow us to finally love and be loved the way we’d always imagined it could be...and then let him get sick like this. You must know You are breaking our hearts... but, why? Are people not supposed to be this happy together here? Are we not supposed to have a little bit of Heaven on Earth? We both spent so much of our lives dreaming of a love like this...Please, please Lord, don’t take it away from us. Don’t leave me here without him. Losing him...losing our rare, beautiful, once-in-a-bazillion-years kind of love...will break me. Please don’t tell me it won’t. Don’t say I’m strong enough. I’m telling You I’m not. What do You know about me that I don’t know????? Nevermind, don’t tell me. I don’t need to know about some secret little pocket of strength hidden deep inside me. Please, Lord, I’m begging You...don’t make me have to find it. It’s OK, I trust that You know it’s there. Please don’t make me have to use it. Not this way. I won’t ever be the same. 

Please just make Anthony well. I know You can. We are all praying so hard for him. Everyone is praying. Don’t do it just for me...I’m not the only one who loves him. What about Cassian?... What about Mondo and Erica, Cece and Joe, Davey and Stevie... They all need him and love him so much. What about his mom and his sisters and the rest of his family...and all of my family...and all of our Church family...all of our friends? What about Maya the pup? Come on, Lord...please heal him. I’m so tired, but I’m afraid to go to sleep. I’m afraid to stop praying and pleading. 

Look, I know You have a plan. You’re God...I get that. But, just this once, could I please tell You what I had in mind for Anthony and me? Because I think my plan is pretty cool...See, in my plan, everybody’s happy and healthy and Anthony and I get to live for a really long time together...a really long time. And then one night, when we’re super old, we lay down in each other’s arms and get all cozy. (Well, as cozy and snuggly as two really old people can get.) A soft breeze gently blows the curtains, and the scent of Heaven... jasmine and orange blossoms...fill the air. With his hand over my heart, and my hand over his, we close our eyes and open ourselves to You...and live happily ever after. Forever and ever and ever. 


It's a pretty good plan, right? Will You at least think about it?