If

I have decided that I am going to stop using the biggest two-letter word in the English language....”if.” I have discovered that I can drive myself to near hysteria in under thirty seconds just by beginning a string of sentences with this dangerous little word that we, mere mortals, assign way too much power. 

So much hangs in the balance when you start “if-fing” everything. “If this happens, then.....” But, “If that happens, then.....” Then what? Do we really know what is going to happen...ever...at any given time? The truth is, we know very little until something, actually, happens. And the funny thing is...there are lots of somethings in this life that we don’t understand anyways!

I have decided that using this assuming, presumptuous, evil little word takes me further away from God. I can’t afford to do that, especially at a time like this. At a time when the fragility of life is so palpable...I can’t allow myself to think I am bigger than I truly am. I am not big at all. I am powerless...and the realization of my powerlessness is actually quite liberating.

In just a few hours, my husband, my closest, dearest, most cherished friend and companion will be lying on an operating table under general anesthesia, completely paralyzed and helpless. He won’t even be breathing on his own. While someone is controlling his every breath, the very life force of his mortal body, someone else will be opening, literally cutting into, his flesh at his most vulnerable center...his solar plexus. Some call this center the third chakra; some call it the gut. It is that place we associate with our sense of power and will. Anthony will be surrending everything on that operating table. He will be naked and vulnerable and powerless. Talk about being close to God!

So, I’ve decided that, since Anthony can give himself up, hand himself over to the doctors who, with God, will be holding his life in their hands, then I can give up using a little two-letter word. I can surrender, too. I can stop imagining what will happen “if” and put everything right where it has always been, in the first place......In the hands of God.

I don’t need to know what’s going to happen. All I need to know is that no matter what happens, God will be there...right where He’s always been. I’m not going to let a little two-letter word with a big ego think it can scare me or make me forget that God is in the driver’s seat. I’m going to keep reminding myself that Anthony and I....that all of us.....are in the loving hands of God...no "ifs" about it!

And how God can keep track of all of us is a miracle to me!