Fighting Back

It’s Saturday night. Anthony and I are just hanging out. He’s reading the newspaper and I’m drinking some iced tea and watching a rerun of Law and Order: SVU...I can’t believe how young Mariska Hargitay and Chris Meloni look! This episode must be from one of  the  first  few seasons...Anyways, we’re just hanging out, relaxing. If I close my eyes for a second,  I can imagine we’re lazing about in our Family Room at home. Yep, if it weren’t for the occasional beep of an IV pump or the sound of the nurse’s call button, I could almost forget we are in a hospital room...Anthony’s hospital room. Maybe if I try real hard, I could forget he has pancreatic cancer for a minute or two. 

(I started writing this Saturday night, at the hospital. One paragraph is as far as I got. Well, that’s not entirely true. I fell asleep while I was typing and actually woke up to find the above paragraph followed by a half page of js and ks. Seriously. So, before I finish what I started, I want to share this with you: When I start writing, I honestly don’t know where a “piece” is going to end up. I mean, sometimes I have an idea, but most times, I just type as my thoughts  evolve. So, picking up where I left off Saturday night should be interesting. Let’s see where it takes us.......)

Saturday night, I remember thinking that life is going to keep going, regardless of Anthony’s cancer. People are going to get up in the morning and take their kids to school, or go to work, or read the paper, or go for a run, or watch the morning news, or meet their friend at Starbucks.....You are all going to do what you normally do. You have your routines and they are not going to change just because my Anthony has cancer. My life with Anthony, however, has already changed dramatically, and I’m guessing there are going to be many more uninvited and unwanted changes to our blissfully normal life together. That’s unsettling. So, tonight, I’m wondering if/how I can help us hold on to some normalcy in the midst of the chaos caused by cancer.

Saturday night, when Anthony was reading the paper and I was watching one of the few T.V. shows I watch, there was a sense of normalcy and, just for a minute, I forgot where we were and what we were doing there. Can you imagine? I actually forgot my husband was in the hospital, recovering from a failed surgery against one of the deadliest cancers a person can have! That struck me as kind of odd...in a good way, that is. So I started thinking about cancer...what it is and what it does. I considered how, just by doing something normal on Saturday night, we were able to put some distance between us and the cancer. We didn't even have to give it much thought. That made me wonder about the possibilities if we do give it some thought! Finally, I made some decisions about how I (we) can take some of the cancer's power away by being mindful of what we do when we feel it trying to destroy the life we've made together.

First, in a nutshell, this is how cancer works...Normally, new cells are created when the body needs them. Old cells die, new cells replace them. There’s balance and order in that. Sometimes, cells get damaged, mutations occur, and they start to grow and divide and multiply without balance and order. These damaged cells can grow into a tumor, and when the tumor is malignant, it can invade and kill nearby healthy tissue. It can also spread to other parts of the body and continue to grow and spread and destroy everything in it’s path.

It's easy to see how cancer has no regard for balance and order and normalcy; but, does that mean we have to let it invade and take over every part of our lives? I don't think so. Furthermore, I refuse to do that! I refuse to let cancer take over my beautiful life with Anthony. I refuse to let it move in on and destroy everything we cherish in our relationship.

So, here's what I've decided...I've decided that when the cancer gets in our faces and threatens to take away our joy, I’ll help Anthony fight back with joy...we’ll sing, and blow bubbles, and watch sunsets, and let the dog lick our faces after we’ve made ourselves cry from laughing so hard. If cancer tries to steal Anthony’s appetite, I’ll cook up a healthy feast, and season it with so much love and care that he’ll not only enjoy eating, he'll believe every bite is nourishing and healing his body. If cancer tries to come between us, using contention and frustration to pull us apart, I will choose to be an instrument of peace, allowing the wisdom of silence and the strength of love to calm the anger and dispel the fear. And, if cancer ever tries to chip away at our hope or weaken our faith, I will never stop praying, never stop believing, and never stop asking for a miracle for Anthony.

And, if Anthony is ever too tired or too sick to pray, believe, or ask...I'll gladly do it for him!