(Recently, Anthony and I were subjected to a conversation with an individual who had lost a loved one to pancreatic cancer. Somehow, this person felt that sharing the tragic details would be helpful. When you are trying your hardest to be positive, this type of "help" is neither wanted or appropriate.)
Some people don’t know what’s appropriate. I’m going to give these kind of people the benefit of the doubt and say it’s not really their fault. Maybe they just don’t realize that what they are saying is, at best, inappropriate and at worst, downright insensitive and potentially harmful.
I’m talking about the really dumb things people say when they don’t know what to say to someone who has cancer...or to someone who loves someone with cancer. I’m sure you’ve heard that old adage, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I’m thinking of having a couple of T-shirts made for Anthony and me with that printed on them. Maybe I’ll have a flag made, too, that we can hang outside our house. Perhaps I should be more direct with the slogan and have something like, “Only positive, encouraging, and hopeful comments, please,” printed in big, bold letters. Maybe, that way, there won’t be any misunderstandings.
I understand that most people get a little uncomfortable when cancer gets a little too close. The word, itself, carries a pretty big punch. I know that from personal experience. When you throw in a couple other heavy weights like inoperable and aggressive, people really start to get antsy. And if a friend or neighbor or relative is unlucky enough to have their number come up in the cancer lottery, forget about it...people freak out. And, we all know why people freak out...It’s because everyone knows that cancer can kill.
Everyone has a story about someone who finally succumbed to cancer, in spite of an herioc battle and “putting up the good fight.” And these stories tend to take on a legendary quality...sad though they be. And, sometimes, these are the very stories people feel compelled to share with someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer. Why? Do they share these stories because they think, in some strange way, they are being helpful? Do they think they are somehow preparing a person for the inevitable worst?
Why don’t these people think to share a success story...a story of someone who fought the good fight and won? We’ve all heard those stories, too. And, even if these people don’t know anyone who has beat cancer (which I find hard to believe nowadays), why can’t they just say something encouraging and be on their way? A simple, “I’ll be praying for you,” may strike some as a trite offer, but it is probably the most productive thing anyone can do for someone who has cancer (unless you happen to be a surgeon, oncologist, or healer...and even they can pray!).
So, if you find yourself in a situation where someone who has cancer is being verbally and spiritually assaulted by another who feels compelled to share a cancer horror story, please do something to change the course of the conversation. Steer it back in the right direction. Offer hope, encouragement, and prayer. Offer a hand and some loving concern. And if that other person (the one who can't resist sharing the gloom and doom, cancer's-gonna-get-you stories) doesn’t take the cue...maybe duct tape would help? That stuff is pretty amazing... downright miraculous.
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