We Walk By Faith and Not By Sight

February 23, 1988. Twenty four years ago, today, my youngest child was born...a son. Twenty four years ago, I was holding him in my arms...Every inch of my healthy, beautiful baby boy, wrapped up snug in one neat little bundle, fit perfectly in my arms. Amazing how something that small and vulnerable could be so full of energy and life.

Tonight, after helping Anthony into bed, I crawled under the covers so I could hold him in my arms. He’s too big to swaddle or wrap into a compact little bundle, but I did the best I could to make him feel safe and loved and cared for as I held him close to me. I nearly drove myself into despair as I pondered how my husband, a grown man, could feel smaller and more fragile than a newborn in my arms.

I don’t know what to think or how to feel tonight. Even though we were told the tumor shrunk to a size that’s too small to see on an MRI, I can’t deny what I see with my own two, imperfect eyes, right in front of me, as big as the day. I see my husband shrinking, his clothes hanging loosely on a bony frame that, up until now, had always been so strong and robust. His once long stride has been reduced to tiny steps that he takes slowly and with great caution, leaving him feeling tired and weak. When I see Anthony like this, it’s very hard for me to stay strong and positive for him...or for me.

********************************************************************************************************

I wrote the above late Thursday night. Perhaps I had a premonition about Anthony’s doctor appointment yesterday (Friday) afternoon. Or, maybe past experiences have taught me to trust my instincts, face my fears, and to stand tall against adversity. I don’t know how I knew something was wrong, but I knew. Still, I was completely unprepared for what we heard yesterday afternoon, and it absolutely knocked the wind right out of me. I’m still trying to catch my breath.

One of the things I’m struggling with most is telling all of you what happened. I don’t want you to become disillusioned or lose faith or hope. This is really hard and really painful, but we have to remember, above everything, that God has a plan. We are called to “walk by faith and not by sight.” I keep saying that over and over to myself as a reminder that God sees everything and He can answer all the ‘whys’ we may have...We may not get the answers in our time, but someday, we’ll understand. So, for now, I ask you to join me as I put one foot in front of the other and continue to walk in faith.

Yesterday afternoon, Anthony’s oncologist told us cancer cells were found in the fluid taken in his last paracenthesis. This means the cancer has spread to the abdominal wall.  Anthony has three options: 1) He can start on the standard chemotherapy treatment for pancreatic cancer with a drug called Gemzar; 2) He can sign up for a protocol out of UCLA that uses the standard treatment (Gemzar) in combination with a new drug being tested. With these trial studies, there is always the possibility of getting a placebo instead of the real medication. The good thing about this trial is that he won’t be compromising his treatment because he will still be receiving the Gemzar in a standardized treatment regimen. If he starts treatment, he can always stop it, at any time, if it makes him too sack; 3) He can opt to abandon any further treatment and sign up for Hospice care at home. 

All of this was completely unexpected and really hit hard. Anthony and I need the time to talk, cry, and just “be” for a while, until we come to a decision together. I’ve told him I want him to choose what he feels is right for  him...even if that means he chooses to stop all treatment and go on Hospice. I can live with that. I absolutely can not live with him suffering on my account.

Please pray for us...and with us. And, please, don’t let this tear away at your faith. Yesterday, I was so upset and angry because, just three weeks ago, we received miraculous news of healing; yesterday, all that changed. But, life is like that, isn’t it? Things happen all the time, and it only takes a moment to change a lifetime. We have to make the best of it. So, Anthony and I will continue to walk by faith and not by sight. We ask you to do the same. God bless all of you.