Time Is Precious

It’s hard to describe what life is like these days. Sometimes, I feel as though I’m walking around in a daze and I’m not sure what I’m thinking or even feeling. It’s been so hard to write...next to impossible...so I’m forcing myself to sit here and put whatever thoughts come to mind on paper (well, on screen). I’m hoping I’ll get some clarity, maybe learn something about myself that will help me cope with Anthony’s illness a little better...and at the same time, give you all an update on his condition.

Yesterday, Anthony had MRIs of his abdomen and his brain. He also had blood tests to check his overall metabolic functions, as well as the tumor marker level. (Since Anthony has fallen a few times lately, the doctor ordered the MRI of his brain...just to be on the safe side.) 

Tomorrow, Anthony goes to the hospital for his weekly paracentesis. Fluid continues to fill his abdomen and has been increasing in volume the last couple of weeks. Even though no cancer cells have been found in the fluid, as of yet, it is not good that it continues to build up as soon as it is drained. Pulling off the large volumes is very taxing on the body, it causes major shifts in blood pressure, and results in Anthony feeling weak and very tired. But, it is way too uncomfortable if it’s not drained, so he continues to have the procedure every Thursday....and it is usually an all-day affair. (Since his blood pressure drops significantly after the procedure, he has to stay in the recovery area until it comes back up to a safe level before going home. Sometimes, that takes several hours!)

 We see the oncologist on Friday and will find out what the next step is, with regard to further treatment. (The results of the abdominal MRI and Anthony’s latest blood tests will be used to determine the type of treatment [i.e. chemo] he will get.) Hopefully, the MRI will also show if there are any blockages and/or damage to the liver that could be causing all the fluid to collect. One of the hardest things we have to deal with is all the “not knowing.” We are really hoping and praying for some answers on Friday... something to sink our teeth into...something hopeful to hang on to when we feel tired and scared and overwhelmed.

Speaking of tired and scared and overwhelmed, lately, I have been plagued by anxiety attacks of the strangest kind. Some of my thoughts are so scary that I don’t want to give them any more energy by writing about them. I will tell you this much though: My imagination can be quite vivid...frighteningly vivid. During the course of my recent anxiety/panic attacks, my mind has tried to convince me that I will come down with any number of catastrophic illnesses or that I will be destroyed in or consumed by the worst of the worst natural disasters. Crazy stuff. 

I suppose my experiences are not all that uncommon for someone in my position. After all, I am on the frontline of this battlefield with Anthony, and I stand beside him through each firestorm. Sometimes, we both feel like burrowing ourselves deep inside a foxhole and staying there for as long as we can. Let everything fall down around us....as long as we’re snuggled together, we’ll be OK.

Most mornings, I’ll get out of bed early and go downstairs to start the day. But then, it doesn’t take long before I get lonely and miss Anthony’s company, so I go back upstairs. Even though he may be sound asleep, it makes me feel better just to be close to him. And, when Anthony wakes up (even if he just opens his eyes for a second), he smiles as soon as he sees me. He tells me it’s always so comforting to know I’m there. That’s all I need to hear...to know...to be sure...that being there is what’s most important.

Do me a favor...No...Do yourself a favor...If someone in your life needs you, even if it’s just to sit there, quietly, without saying a word, be there. Drop everything and be there. Time goes by so quickly sometimes, that we forget the treasure that lies within every second. It isn’t until you try to stretch out the moments and squeeze out every morsel of life from them, that you come to see how sacred, how sweet, how precious time is...especially when it’s shared with someone you love.