Staying Close to the Center

You never think it’s going to happen to you...to your husband or wife or family member. You hear about other people being struck with a horrible disease or illness and you convince yourself it won’t happen to you. No, cancer will not become a part of your life...until it does. 

I re-read my first post and I remembered everything exactly the way I described it. And you know what’s strange? Every now and then, I feel those same feelings all over again. Out of nowhere, I feel terrified, as if I’m hearing the word ‘cancer’ with Anthony’s name in the same sentence for the very first time.  

This afternoon, we’re going to get the results of Anthony’s MRI. The anticipation is sickening. The fear of what might or might not be is maddening. Will I be trying to plug my ears again to block out the doctor’s words? Will I feel the chair (and the rest of my world) fall right out from beneath me once more? I’m seriously thinking about wearing a rubber band around one of my wrists to the appointment. That way, if my vision starts to blur and I feel my mouth moving but can’t hear myself talking, I can SNAP! myself back into reality. I don’t know. Maybe trying to defy nature’s way of softening a blow isn’t such a good idea. 

OK, I have to stop doing this. I have to stop thinking about the worst possible scenario. It’s hard, though. When I think back upon all the tests and procedures and waiting rooms that led to the face to face meetings with all the doctors and specialists....when I do all the math....well, I can’t deny that we’ve received more bad news than good. It’s hard to stay positive and hopeful when the scale is tipped that way. It’s hard to not be scared.

I really wish I could say that I’m not afraid. It’s not that I’m ashamed of being afraid. We’re all afraid of something (or some things). No, I’m not disappointed in myself or embarrassed that I’m scared. I just don’t like the way it feels. It’s uncomfortable and makes me feel sick down to the core. You know that feeling. You know what it’s like to walk around with that knot in your stomach. Sometimes, it feels like you’re going to be sick and the thought of eating makes you even sicker. Then, other times, you feel your stomach churning and you want to put something inside it...anything to fill that pit...just give it something besides itself to gnaw on. 

OK, I have to stop this. If I’m going to make it through this day with my sanity intact, I’m going to have to change the way I’m thinking and adopt a new outlook. Somehow, I’m going to have to make that internal shift and focus upon the positives...no matter how small or insignificant they may seem. I’m going to have to tip the scale back in the positive direction...or at least find that place of balance. That’s what it’s really about...finding balance... moving toward the center.

I can do this. I’ve been doing this. I just have to remember that I’m not alone. First of all, God is with me every single step of the way. He always manages to get His message across to me...to let me know He is all around me and in me. 

Second, I have all of you. Please know this, and believe me when I say that I feel you with me...with us. We are connected through love...through God’s love...and I feel you here. You are waiting and praying for good news, right along with us. Thank you for that. 

And, of course, I have Anthony. My dear, sweet Anthony. I know he’s scared, too. But, I also know that we can get through anything...together. We always have. We have this ‘thing’ together...this super, duper powerful bond of love that sustains us and allows us to forge ahead. I know why it’s so strong...It’s because we’ve always put God in the center of our lives, and our love for each other comes from that center. I can’t forget that. No matter how scared I get, I have to stay focused on that center. 

I can’t wait to tell Anthony that it’s all going to be fine. I’ll remind him to focus on the center, too. He’ll understand, right away. And I know he’ll feel better...calmer. Yep, we’ll make it through this day, no matter what. We’ll stay close to the center and we’ll be just fine.