When I Am Crying

Anthony, I miss you so much that it hurts in ways I’ve never felt before. When you died, a big part of me died, too. There’s a void inside me...a hollow space that you used to fill. Nothing, no one, can ever fill the emptiness that was created when you left. I cry and cry and cry until I’m exhausted and finally fall asleep. These days, sleep is my only reprieve from the sadness, but it never lasts long enough...As soon as I open my eyes, the reality of you being gone crashes down upon me and I feel angry and disappointed that I am awake. And all alone. Then, I start crying all over again.

I keep telling myself it won’t always feel like this...that time will heal this gaping wound in my heart. But, believing that brings little comfort right now...right now when sadness courses through me in every breath I take. I try to comfort myself by talking to you and hearing you answer me. I’m pretty sure I know what you’d say and how you’d say it. I close my eyes and pretend I feel you holding me. I hug your pillow and bury my nose in your T-shirt...the one I set aside after you wore it...the one I didn’t wash. I make believe I’m nuzzling up next to you and drinking in your sweet fragrance the way I used to. I play back your messages I saved on my phone and listen to them over and over again so I can hear you tell me how much you love me. And I cry some more.

Sometimes, I feel like picking up a chair and hurling it through a window. I want to break something the way my heart is broken. I want to hear the glass shatter into a million pieces. I want to see the bits and pieces of debris scattered all over the place. I just want to tear something apart the way my life has been torn apart. I can see myself just ripping something to shreds with my bare hands and screaming as loud as thunder while I’m doing it. Screaming and crying.

Anthony, I know you see me crying. And I know you understand. You always understood and you always knew exactly what to do. You promised you would never be out of my reach...that nothing could ever keep us apart.   You were so sure when you said that...so I believe you. And I know you. And I know how much you love me. So I know you’ll find a way. Please, Anth, please find a way to let me know you are here...especially when I am crying.