Letting Go

Anthony is the love of my life...as I am the love of his. That explains why this is so hard. Neither of us wants to part. Unfortunately, it appears the time has come for that to happen. I’m so sorry to tell you this. I’m sorrier than I’ve ever been about anything in my life. But, I want you to know so that you can pray for Anthony...You see, it appears that he is very close to letting go...to leaving this life...and me. 

Ever since his hospitalization in early March, Anthony’s condition has steadily declined. Once again, he is in the hospital receiving fluids and medications to rehydrate him and balance his electrolytes. However, things are very different this time. This is the last time we will do this. As soon as we can arrange it, I will be taking him home and placing him on Hospice care. And, as soon as I get him home, I will put him in bed and curl up next to him. And, I won’t leave his side for one second...until he leaves me.

I know this is not the way we wanted this story to end. Unfortunately, we don’t get to write the script. Oh, geez, we’d probably make an awful mess of things if we could, anyways. Even though I’m sick of hearing that ‘God has a plan,’ deep down inside, I know it’s true. I also know that I couldn’t come up with a better one, no matter how hard I tried. None of us could. I have learned that God’s plans often appear mysterious when we’re going through the most difficult times, but later on, down the road, we are blessed with an understanding of why things happened the way they did. As the mysteries unfold, the miracles are exposed. Maybe not the miracles we were hoping for, but that doesn’t make them any less than miracles. We will just have to wait and see.

For now, however, my focus must stay on Anthony and his comfort. Please pray with me, for Anthony to have a peaceful and painless transition from this life. Please pray for me, that I may stay strong so I can help him let go. A few hours ago, he told me he was ready to let go. Ten minutes later, he said that maybe his decision was “a bit hasty.” When I asked him why, he said he didn’t want to leave me. Do you know how badly I wanted to scream out, “Well, then, don’t leave me!...Don’t you dare leave me!”....?  Of course, I don’t want him to leave me! But, even more than that, I don’t want him to suffer anymore. Especially on my account. I could not live with that. I love him far too much to subject him to anymore pain or suffering. So, while I don’t want him to leave me, I do want him to let go.

Thank you for traveling this journey with us. I want you to know how much Anthony and I appreciate everything you have done to help us along the way. Your companionship, your prayers, your support...just you being there...has comforted us more than you could ever imagine. Sometimes, when someone is very ill, like Anthony, people are afraid to reach out, to come around, or to be there because they feel inadequate or helpless or even scared. But, not you...No, not you! You have stayed with us, all the way. For all that you are and all that you do...Anthony and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

This is not the end, my friends. We must remember that Anthony’s life is not ending. The best part of his life is just waiting for him to step into it and embrace it without pain, sickness, or suffering. Imagine...a life without the least bit of turmoil. A beautiful and peaceful life walking in the presence of our Lord. Forever.....Miraculous.